my raw thoughts, feelings, & desires

There was a girl. She was young, insecure, and vulnerable to the idea of love. There was a boy. He was charming and funny, liked by all. The boy took an interest in the girl. He was confident almost to the point of cocky, but also very sweet, and persistent even when the girl pretended to not be interested. She was scared. Nothing like this had ever happened to her. Eventually she gained the courage to tell the boy, “Yes”. They fell deeply in love. They were very happy together, despite being different in many ways. When he went away, their love defied the odds, and she missed him so much that she cried herself to sleep every night for a year. They fought through the tough times and their love grew while they grew up together. She grew into a confident young woman and he grew into a responsible young man. The girl was confused, and wondered what the rest of the world had to offer. The first time she said goodbye, she recognized the old spark return to the boy, and she fell in love again. Each time they would return to one another, the complacency would replace the passion sooner than the last time. Finally, goodbye stopped meaning anything at all, and she knew she had lost him. The girl was afraid, and her heart was broken. Another boy stepped in and offered to take her broken pieces and try to heal them. She doubted love and whether it could ever last. She was guarded. This boy had a spark and a persistence that reminded her of the first boy. This made her all the more scared that this flame would burn out as well. Slowly she gave the boy piece after piece of her broken heart and it started to heal. He was patient. The girl was happy again. But somewhere deep down she feared and she knew that there would always be a piece of her heart missing, because it belonged to the first boy, just as she had a piece of his forever. And she worried if this would be enough.

I’m feeling sleepy but nostalgic, that made no sense. I’m happy right now but also sad at the same time.. Mostly happy. I guess the sad feeling is more of a nostalgic sadness when you miss something. What you have might be good, great, or amazing, but if you’re still suffering the loss of something amazing it’s so bittersweet. Yes, I think I finally described it right. Bittersweet.

I know I’m doing the right thing here.  I deserve better.  I don’t deserve to have someone be so important in my life and high up on my list of priorities but to be treated like shit.  There is enough imbalance in the world without that.  I hope with all of my heart that you realize someday what you did, and what you didn’t do but should have done.  I also hope that you realize surrounding yourself with many friends who don’t mean anything to you is not going to lead you to happiness.  I hope you come to regret losing me, one of the only people who have ever bothered getting to know the real you, because I know deep down that no matter how much pain and suffering you have caused me through this process, I would accept you with open arms back into my life if you were that same kind, amazing person again.  Your personality change is poisoning my life and my happiness, so shame on you.  Shame on me for letting it go on for this long.  Shame on me for sticking around waiting for it to change back.  Time to move on, though I’m infinitely sad that moving on means leaving you behind.  I can’t save you this time, you need to save yourself.  I will cherish the memory of you, the other you, like the ghost of someone I loved with all of my heart.  I will grieve the loss of you to this new personality.  I will always remember the boy that wrote on hundreds of scraps of paper every memory we shared together. 

In more words, “My word is crumbling around me right now” “Mighty long paper to write, can we talk tomorrow?”  It’s seriously a joke how easy it should be to walk away from this.  I hate that I can’t.  I absolutely hate myself for it.  I deserve so much better.  You changed from being the most amazing person I had ever met to being a callous, selfish person.  This transformation breaks my heart and kills me one thousand times more than our breaking up.  I feel so empty.

I’m so upset.  Let’s start with that.  This isn’t an angry kind of upset like last time, although maybe this will slowly turn into anger because of the frustration.  I hate feeling like the only one invested in our friendship/relationship/whatever you want to call it.  I truly believe that if you care about somebody and want a relationship with them after you break up, it will happen.  But the fact that I feel so neglected, hidden, etc just ends up hurting me.  I can’t be the only one who cares and shows it in a relationship, there have to be two sides.  Don’t be embarrassed that I talk to you, don’t try to hide your past if you once believed it was so right and so perfect.  You changed, you’re all about showing people how cool and funny you are, marketing yourself, and the ex-girlfriend who you were once affectionate towards puts a damper on the new facade of your personality that everyone else seems to enjoy so much.  ”Everyone” > one little melissa, so they win.  So you keep that cool, fun side showing.  But melissa feels like you’ve changed, and it’s no wonder why.. because you have.  And everytime this conversation comes up, she sees a glimpse of the person she once knew so well, and promises are made that that side will come out more, and then the cycle starts again.  Words don’t even do a good job at describing this feeling.  I feel alone.  But it’s simple.  Things you used to do, you wouldn’t do anymore, things you used to say, you would never say now.  You don’t even access your own feelings, you don’t dare to THINK the thoughts let alone say them and do them.  It’s like there’s a part of your brain for emotion and you just flicked a switch and decided not to feel at all anymore because it’s just easier that way.  So you don’t realize now when you’re being callous towards me, you don’t realize when time goes by and you don’t hear from me.  You don’t realize you even miss me.  It’s uncool to have your ex-girlfriend reaching out to you in a public forum.  Give her the ultimate diss and don’t answer.  Only answer to posts that are completely superficial and prove that you’re a cool guy.  Only answer to people who have never gotten to know the true you, never saw you cry or get upset over anything.  Don’t you dare be a sappy loser and give in to her, because that is weak and you are strong and cool.  Yes, good idea, keep her far far away.  Push her so far away she stops coming back eventually.  Don’t worry though, by then your transformation into a cool guy will be complete, and you won’t have any emotions left at all to even realize she’s gone.

This just really annoys the shit out of me.  Enough is enough, when someone doesn’t make time for you and always puts other people before you, you get the hint, you back off.  That’s what i did.  I backed off, enjoyed my life, and didn’t contact you.  The result is that you miss me, but still pull the same crap?  Doesn’t make sense to me.  I’m not a second-grade citizen.  I’m sorry, but just because you either like your friends more or maybe its the sheer power of numbers and peer pressure that does this, but don’t put them before me if we haven’t talked in weeks and you claim you want to talk.  Oh, sure let’s talk!  Twenty minutes in and we’re just getting past the small talk and you have to go because you have plans to group chat with your friends?  Don’t double book, don’t claim you want to talk and then cut it short, just stay out of my life in that case.  I have been happy these past few weeks, I don’t need this bullshit back.  It only makes me feel like shit, and I know I’m far better than that.  I can’t always be the second priority, this makes no sense.  When we dated I was first priority for a little while, then I wasn’t anymore and it was honestly part of our downfall.  Now that I am a friend, and technically equal to the rest of the friends, I’m always put second, though you claim you miss me, want me in your life, care about me… if I was your best friend and the love of your life for almost 5 years, this is a pretty shitty way to show you care, just sayin’.  And besides all of that, it’s also just a little bit of common courtesy.  It’s being polite.  It’s not being selfish.  GROW UP and stop being pressured by your friends.  You’re so afraid to miss anything going on with your friends.  You have friends who lived abroad for an entire year, two years even, and they come back and fit right in.  No one makes fun of them for missing something, what is this, junior high?  If you want to talk to me, or claim you want to, then do it.  You’re an autonomous being, I just don’t understand, it’s like you’re a slave to your friendship, and it’s sad and annoying.  UGH!!!!!

Sometimes you really just have to go with your gut. The tingly feeling is so important, if it’s not there it’s not there.

Today is a pretty good day so far. I feel a bit confused as to what’s going on in my life and whatnot but work is good and that’s all I can really say for now, right?